so sorry. so selfish.

I shouldn't write into this right now. I should go to bed. I should forget this day. this week and all the other shit too. i am just listening to a cd i like, and there was only one song left, so i thought i'd do something. It was a huge mistake though. gas on the fire. i'm not putting any more secrets on here. it's so nice in the room i'm in. there is a tall fan making waves in the air. From out the window i hear dogs in the neighborhood carrying on. with this, i am fine. It bums a lot of people out, but i'm fairly indifferent. Like in dreams. or maybe where you are hearing it in french. I heard him sing for you to come true a long time ago. And now i throw my money on the fire. and how i pray for a way out. Through this sea of a crowd. will you ever find me again. i have my doubts. i have lived on streets where there were sidewalks, but more often than now, they were without. We walked in the streets. There were no lights to overhang. so in the dark we could stay. Or on some roof. i'm about to grow up. racing. we racing. just all those pretty songs. until the chorus. our hearts can race. cause we head out tonight. i'm still about to grow up.

jam bands.

so i guess when i'm up late at night, not ready for bed i might be on here or something. I've been meaning to listen to this album though, so i thought i'd stay up. i'm afraid of myspace lately since everyone has spyspace and shit. I can't have people knowing i look at their page, so i just check mine and i'm out. i'm off tomorrow day, so i don't know what to do. i want to eat some indian food, but that probably ain't fint to happen. my hands look 100 years old to me right now. i ate a great lunch today at panera. i keep listening to this one song. And thinking too hard. i watched three movies yesterday. i'm working on new songs. or the way to change old ones. fix old ones. talk to me about the show "lost" and i'm yours. catch me up, i'm so fucking lost. I watched the re-cap episode last night, but i'm sure i missed tons. and i'm always watching that music video again. or re-reading magazines. so with this and that in mind. i'm tired. and it's time to try to stay on yr side. i'll always be the shape i've taken, or took some years ago. the water is calling me home.

it's more like a song.

goodness. my eqiulibrium was a wreck today. I think i'm getting sick, and my ears closed up. It made it very difficult to move with any sort of fluidity or grace, but i managed. I ate too much, almost in a way to make up for my misery, but here i sit. Full, and tired. but i can't sleep yet. I had a really fun day after only sleeping a few hours, and i've been trying to get it back ever since. I think it had more to do with the night before, but who is to say. i haven't shaved in over two months. It looks a fright, but i don't have any real reason to look presentable, so i stick with it. I need to cut my hours back a little. I am having trouble shaking this cold, and i feel run down all the time. I know people have it worse, but i just can't hang any more. Plus, i need time to practice with the band more. We are trying to play shows this summer, and it's gonna be tricky if we're together once a week. the new band of horses album is really good. I wish my stomach didn't hurt. I wish i could sleep in for the rest of my days. i wish for a pleasant nights sleep (maybe without the aid of alcohol). but for now, i only have the alarm. the 12 hours. and another 6 hours of sleep.

trainwrecked.

found out about a new band i really really like about 15 minutes ago. it's weird how the world opens up for you every so often. I'm working lots at jobs i am afraid to say out loud, but you all know about. pretty funny. my most kept secrets are the most well known. Oh well. A new blog is starting soon. In the next week. And don't worry, you'll get the link. my house is freezing. my stomach is hurting, and has been for days. maybe. I officially have a beard. At first it was for fun's sake, but now i really like it. and i don' t intend to shave it any time soon. I might quit both my jobs soon. if i have to. i don't neccesarily want to. Let me rephrase that. I wouldn't mind being without them, but for a variety of reasons can't stop being intertwined with them. I got to see a musician i really, really look up to last night. i like the new flaming lips record a good deal. I have only heard it a few times, but find myself liking it more and more. so go on. go on. and... you almost had me. I wanted to type poetic sorts of things, but decided against it. i'm going to see a rock show, like i have every day as long as i lived. sunday. outside the limits of the city. keep watching for new things. cause they are right around the corner.

prosthesis.

If you asked me right now, i'd say in general my all over look is coming along ok. I'm walking a fine line of high fashion and medium to high hatred for fashion. But benerally speaking, it's coming along. My idea of a look i may or may not be going for is coming along well. There are a few more things i need to pick up, but i have to make my way to the mall, and a b-day is coming up, and i spent over a 100 big ones today anyway on food, clothes, candy, booze, more food, dessert, gas, more food, and more booze. It's casual though, my cell phone can wait. eggs and potatoes were more (are more) important. and that b-day. big ups and my tired eyes. get so swelled and red. and the things we said. resonate. normally i would buy a pack of cigarettes and drive around or something. instead i opted to buy a song i like off of i-tunes and look for pictures on the internet. and in some long, long, fucked up ride home i am still pretty far away from figuring it out at all, but it happens, and time slinks by, and i guess i'll wake up tomorrow, and i'll maybe get up and get out of the house. If it were up to me i'd tip the couch on it's side, buy a case of beer, turn off my phone, sleep on a pile of dirty clothes, write 12 pages in my notebook, call in fucked up to work, read old magazines, watch that movie, and all the other things people with a point to make might do. or shit, i don't know. i'm gonna wash my face, go to sleep with my swolen eyes, wake up, and get this fucking thing going.

growing up, throwing up, and cabin pressure.

so sometimes, and not all the time. I=me. you=me. it is all relative. the thi3rd. person. third prison. man, i'm shaking with the weather. i can't wait to lay down. on to on. i felt really light and poetic tonight. brought down a peg, like i needed to be. a good hip check away from healthy. so go on, and who cares? i send notes with bad words. i take shallow breaths while it's there. and sometimes all i am is you in a post. scratched into the desk of the internet. remember me? i was thinking of escaping. teh camera catches it all. for fucks sake, can we live? HAHAHA. reading it out louud was

I-M-Pressed. goodness.goodnight.

so hey, i know it's been a while since i updated this bullshit. i've been busy though. i'm working again, lots. i think like 61 hours this week. it's casual though, i need the money, and the more i'm busy the better. i've been wanting to write about something big. i can't get my eyes or arms around it though. it's heavy shit, and not really meant for everyone. i just feel full up with one idea. the kind i want to hammer out, but what is the real difference? it would get skimmed, forgotten, and deemed unneccesary. not like a magazine. oh to be. if i could only. if i could. get the fuck out. like like like. bleeding split and cracked hands. my $$$'s spent up. trudt. <----not a mistake. it started as one though. i met a girl a hundred years ago. when i was fractured parts of a bigger ceramic bumble bee. layed out, pouting, on your bathroom tile. i couldn't breathe/like i can't breathe now. i hate it now. i love it how sometimes i get so fucking breathless. i get so filled with one melody. with walking fast through the wet bent wet grass. the sylables have to match up the brass. when the horns come in, my god. when they arive. independent! independant! has it come to this? have we aged at all? the bags below my eyes cry. really. are we sanding off edges that made the noise. are we coming up for air in the only pocket we could find? through the sound of the rocks i swear i could hear you, calling out. "away, my love". "go die for me, now!". go teach all the globes in the world that we are ignoring them. roll out the big red carpet, for this one time we can maybe find it. sometimes nothing matters in the world, except this one part of this one song. this is how i am. the end of the liner. onejet aboutabove. you can just lay back in your chair. in your blanket of love. i'll be around. or in how everyone forgot you. the city you are from is a ghost now. and i never felt more free. moving through my memories begging to be alive once, just once more. and now i'm living away. get those ghosts out. this isn't about love. be free in how much you get it. your past is quaking behind you. and as a city, i'm in love with that. as a boy, i love it. get on the road, just get out. my past is fucking off.