smeared black ink, or how the fuck was i supposed to know which fork to use?

why am i writing for the third time today? oh shit, it's tomorrow. i went to a fun show with fun people and had a fun time. i smoked too much and watched my friends dance. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------. whatevr. I spent too much $$$ tonight, but than i thought: i am only going to be around for a little bit of time and i should have fun while i can. I don't mean i'm moving or anything, because cincy is my home now. I'm sorry to st. louis friends, but i am never coming back. I just have my heart in a different city now. The last time i was there was really something, but i don't think i can call that city my home anymore. Regardless, i mean i am only going to be around for a little while in the sense i may die tomorrow. i really could, you don't know. I could go at any time. I could be shopping for a new shirt tomorrow afternoon and my heart could explode through my chest. What would i have to show for it? i had fun while i could, and felt like the things i was doing mattered. if only for a few brief seconds. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------. it was more than that. I know i am not forever, none of us are. and i feel i should do things that matter with the time that i have been allowed. i want things that don't make sense. have i typed that before? did i type that yesterday? that would be really embarrassing. what i'm really getting at is this: the things you want are not impossible. they are right there. just waiting for you to reach out and scream your fucking lungs out into the air. waiting for you to go out when the weather says you shouldn't, and finding what means the most to you at this one moment. this one moment in time. This album, this fucking album. this was the soundtrack to a trip i took back to the lou one time. I was so lost and so found. i thought i met someone who could save my life. i thought all the things that are good in the world could happen to me. instead i got really sick and wrote a lot of bad songs. That is beside the point. here is what i can tell matters as of right now. a)-----------------------------------------------------------------------. b) we are not as permanent as we would like to think. someday this vessel will cancel all of us and we will be sent spinning into the heavens.