don't you just love the sun? doesn't it make you feel good all over?

so don't get me wrong, i have a real journal. somewhere. probably underneath all those clothes and wine bottles. It is filled with pages upon pages of shit just like this, only way more hateful. (can you imagine?) bound in all that heavy twine. that black and white cover. the one that says "why yes, as a matter of fact i am an asshole hipster who has to write songs in this stupid pad". either way, it's different with that outlet. there is no validation. while i hide myself in all those pages under blankets of secrecy, there is only a quite slim chance anyone would ever read what i thought. whereas with this i can rest assured someone may read something i thought at some point in time. and even if no one ever reads a page on this for as long as i breathe, i won't know. That anonimity is beautiful. but all that aside. oh, these last few days have been that kind of breathless perfect. yeah, out on that bridge. the sun at our backs. that sound in our ears. that water sleeping just beneath. just like the whole day lined up just so that 20 seconds could happen the way it did. and yeah, i miss you now. like the warm of the month we're all so ready for. so now, i'm off. i hope all your days find you well. and oh, you. oh, you. let's let our new occupation start.

here the rain comes again.

great ghosts, where we hide. i just learned how to uncover my eyes. i've got weight and sight on my side. out on the top of some landslide. baby, keep moving under me. those lies just keep catching up with me. this sound. this time out the window. they were open all night. those worms have gotten in and slept in us. or maybe every living boy and girl is just as filled with. filled with. my god, who knows? how did i even get here? that water can pound the window all fucking night for all i care. go on, drown me. drench my possessions. i'm obsessed with pretension. christ help me, i'm stretching. hold me. keep me.

bring me back. bring me back sleep.

morning, how you pound the roof. daytime how you spend your minutes waiting. phone calls like you have secrets. Oh god, this giant chair is straining every muscle i own. oh how the sun is coming back to me. so i bite my lip and press on. just keep my head down, forget the fog and study my breathing. yeah yeah that machine is back in my hand. yeah yeah that machine has it's back to me. i love it. i love this death machine.

please keep the tape rolling.

so landing. So today was only worthwhile from about 8:00 until 9:20 or so. then i came home and watched law and order svu with my mom, which was alright, so that time was okay as well. I'm off tomorrow, but have no plans. I'll probably try to finish the book i'm reading. or be lame and watch movies. who knows? maybe i'll finish the t shirt i started making like 3 weeks ago, and just left on my floor. it's cold in my house. i think thats why i didn't feel that well today. the windows in my house were open, and i think the cold that snuck in with the early morning only served to sicken my already struggling lungs. but the sickness ain't all, darlin'. it got the best of me. it got years and all ahead. when he was taller than me. no idea, i'm sure. hands have been split. reservations. covered in conversation. that sound? it's an echo now. it hit the wall, learned somehow, and now it's just too loud. I'm going to go and get going. off to bed, but i won't sleep. i'm off and i'm awake. and that's the way to stay. i just want to sound convincing. or at least believable. for once. for once.

the jury is out.

but i can say with a fair amount of confidence this has been the worst day of the year for me. Maybe second only to this one time i messed up really bad, and felt sick for a while, but today has taken the cake in my mind. I'm not going to get into it, but i'm sorry to anyone who had to be around me. I'm just so tired. I even took a nap for a little while earlier. And thanks if you came to the show i played the other night. I didn't play well, and acted like a fucker, but it means a lot you came. i think i'm done for today. I just need to put my head down and ready myself for tomorrow. I need to keep my eyes away from the blue light. oh beacon, those birds are only reminding us. just sent us back to bed. oh beacon, those birds are only telling us what we already know.

only the good.

so i made it there and back. to cleveland that is. i saw the faint for about 15 minutes and then bright eyes. i may have drank too much, but who can say? the drive back took way too long due to unforseen circumstances. i don't like being other places all that much. it all blends and looks the same, and every building looks like something i drove by in saint louis. i ate so much. and really shitty food. like bad. i shouldn't wig out, but i could tell i looked bigger. ugh, i just felt like shit all day. i spent about an hour in the hallway after the show. first with my back at the wall, my legs taking up the whole walkway. then i just layed down and probably looked more like a corpse than a human. either way, the words got through. they may have made their way to you. I wanted you to be there, but alas, conor's schedule didn't coincide with yours. i just realized how late it is, but i don't care. i'm off tomorrow. the last day of my extended stay. like burning in my chest. or pounding in my head. i was light with the previous day's endeavors. i was full and in the cold. i had a weight in my heart. i think i may sleep. i don't want to. and i don't really believe i should, but i can't figure out anything better to do. so i guess i'll lay down now. i guess i'll wait for sun. i guess i'll find tomorrow. here it is. here it is. here is a month.

time for hellos, goodbyes, and all the biggest pretty things.

yikes, i haven't typed into you for a while. i had a birthday though. it was a lot of fun, mostly puncuated by some really great moments that are too big and full of life to even put on here. all the weight of my life lately would just pound the floor on it's way out. It's just for me. but i can talk about some fun things. i had to work for a lot of days leading up to my b-day, but was off the day after. the night before sarah and i killed a bottle of wine while watching the oc, than had meredith drive us to get another one, which we also layed to rest. The next day was lots of fun cause i was running on not much sleep, and was pretty giddy. that night i went to jacobs and met up with sarah and the dudes and proceded to rage not too hard, but enough. I kept my shit together pretty well actually. I did happen to spend a few minutes on a bathroom floor, but it was in the name of fun, and thats that, mattress man. The next day was tons of fun. and i'm not talking about a good deal of it. it's not for everyone. we've got it all(most). man, i love that song title, i would love it if i had written that. alas, it was one issac brock. but yeah, fun birthday. thanks for spending it with me. it would have just been another day without you. The first show of my side project is coming up next weekend. it is going to be at crush and we are opening for death in graceland. it is a new incarnation called "balcony". It should be great, and i'm excited to be playing in a band with patrick. You will get to hear some brand new songs, and be entertained by a guy who knows how to hold a guitar! So you should show up. the rain has been keeping it's promise lately. It's not bumming me out during the day, but at night it's soundtracking the whole night. Just pounding the part hanging over bricks. it's too loud to think, but i'd rather it be that way with the hours we've been keeping. every window open. every door unlocked. they are all hanging open. yeah, all their hinges are dry and screaming with every swing. yeah the table is wet with mistakes. the radio is on. it has been for days. only one album has played. i can't get away from it. maybe for reasons i know too well. maybe i love our death machine. baby, i love our death machine.

bars and windows.

why do i feel worse when i get more sleep? i went to bed right after midnight last night, got nine hours sleep, and felt bad all day. maybe vacancy. maybe i'm in the middle of a six day work week that is really taking the wind out of my sails. i really need to eat something, but i have to wait just a while longer. I think i might take a shower. That would make me feel better. getting all the dirt from today off me would do me good. and why can't i stop listening to the same albums over and over again? i don't mind, and in reality i think i know why. Ugh, i'll type more later. it won't be any more interesting, but i'll have eaten and had a shower.

and four times ago in the beginning of belief.

what have you brought me, day? when did you switch sides with night? bridged for land mass. I was out in that car again. i needed plastic and i traveled south. spent all day curled up with a twist in my stomach. hair draped in my face, moving over a cement floor. scratch marks lining every inch. four layers from heart to air. i was wrapped in warmth, and could only imagine my breath hanging there. the sterile air and some soundtrack. the kind that pushed me to the wall and slid my back to the floor where i stared at my legs akimbo imagining them dead. like those notes took the bones from my body. oh late night, where are you now? friends from ten years ago, where are you now? every truth and lie, where? and again. some ancient date, that ancient. date. whew, for a minute there i lost myself. tilly was a fun show. i drank too much, and forgot to get my credit card, but it was only 11.75 when i went and grabbed it tonight. I then continued drinking and watched napoleon dynamite with sarah. Everytime i see that movie i think about how when i was younger i would always see napoleon's name with the imagined last name of blown-apart. I had this image in my head of him blowing up and all. Then one day i was reading a magazine and saw a comic with that same name and a very similar image to the one i always imagined. Then the movie. weird, huh? how many fucking times did that intro thing play? after what seemed like a forever i realized i could hear this stupid music over and over and over and over. thanks for talking, cause i needed to. (that will make more sense when you get the bright eyes cd i'm working on). and it's about february fifteenth. his birthday. i feel like we may have both said enough amazing things to fill books from now until paper doesn't even exist anymore. Not that either one of us could recollect a bit of it. or maybe it's better that way. It was only around for the time it left your mouth to the time it hit my ear. our sentiments never had a chance.

evaporated.

just happened to be the song after the song i'm listening to now, so why not? practice was cancelled, but i hung out with nate and dave at the rescue effort show. My car situation worked itself out, and i bought tilly tickets as well. tomorrow is still what i'm stoked on. should be good times, but i will probably be busy. I need to do some light to moderate work, and help my mom out on some stuff. Hopefully hours are forgiving, and don't leave me too quickly. they just can't. not now. my hands are tearing themselves apart. i'm not really getting any closer to my solo album being done. I have so many songs, but i just keep writing. like i'm waiting for something. Like there is going to be this whole batch of songs i just figure out on the spot and the album is done. I want it to be good. i've never been happy with any of the records i put out. There was always something wrong. my voice would be off, and i would flaw the chord and back away and let it go. i guess i was always in a hurry though. cause now they all exist for someone to hear someday (maybe?/maybe not). it's late, but i dont want to sleep again. i'm off tomorrow and thats it until next wednesday. the day after my mom's birthday. i'm working six day weeks i guess. i don't mind, i don't think. it keeps me busy. i don't just watch dvds all day while holding my guitar. oh wait! i really want to go to the show books is playing. I hope it isn't an early show. I have to see them. I watched M.I.A. on the jimmy kimmel show tonight. It was great. either way, i'll make it happen. usually i come here with a mouthful, but tonight i am tight lips. and i don't know why. I just keep horsing around on i tunes and not really paying much attention to what i'm doing here. I got my body and my mind on the same page, and honey no, happiness is all the rage. quoting that band while typing in a weblog has to happen more times then you really think. it is all the rage though. from where i stand it is.

early out the gate.

so i found out i have to spend like a hundred dollars tomorrow. i lost some keys and fucked up. so whatevs. i don't give a shit about tomorrow. tuesday can fuck off. i've got my eyes on wednesday. whatever shit happens tomorrow can go and bury itself in the sand for all i care. cause i got some songs to keep my breathing steady and got this sound screaming from one wall to another. I got this weather working it's way up my sleeve. a wrapped box in the black and a soundtrack to astounding. I remember hearing that song a long time ago. where i'm now hearing the most beautiful thing i can think about. Even as the first pounds of synth sprawl out and live i can feel a smile break my face. or like some shattered glass. two more. my goodness. a stoplight. gone. what has happened to the song? it is still the one that can keep my magnetic eyes around. and just then my hands crawl the keys. try to search for just one thing. find an answer by the cinematic scope of every living breathing boy and girl. andthen there issome sevennine tynine. whenever there is too much i will take what remains. red. yellow. green. purple.

the spine of every book i own, and how we can now be full up.

so here i am. I feel like i had a busy day, but nothing could be further from the truth. I woke up and drove sarah home, then came back to my house. I had a gatorade in the hopes of feeling better, and i took a few advil as well. Meredith and i ran and got indian, but i felt kinda crumby, so i didn't eat very much. Apparently i ate more than enough to feel even worse, and full and bloated the rest of the day. Meredith then suggested we watch the family guy dvd, so we put in whatever disc, and i go "which one", and she says "just play it", so it was on for god knows how long. I fell asleep about 5 minutes into the first episode. I would occasionally wake up and hear things i thought were funny though. I then got new strings for my guitar so it sounds really boss now. I tried to play tonight at an open mic, but it went on too long, so i took off. Last night was lots of fun. girls and boys was cool, but i split to go to jam central station for what ended up being a great time. This week is going to be so busy. I have practice the next two days, tilly and the wall, a great great friend stopping through town to hang who i haven't seen in like five years, the rescue effort show, and a super awesome dinner with sarah. I realized tonight i want to start working on my solo stuff again. I think a huge part of not doing it was the beating a dead horse aspect of it. I've crammed the same ideas into the same songs for a long time. And i'm not exagerating. I recorded my first song at fifteen, and have since puked out at least a few EPs or a full length a year till the record i recorded with dave a few years ago. I guess now i just feel inspired a lot more. I'm in a way better frame of mind, and i just feel good. I can see the forest for the trees now, isn't that what they say? I don't really know what that phrase even means, but i like it to mean seeing all of everything that exists and all. There is a part in movie i really really love where one of the male leads has a bit of dialogue that always got to me. It is now, as a matter of fact. Something to the effect of the existance of so much beauty in the world his heart couldn't take it. I know i feel like that. Maybe i get to wound up about music and movies that move me, but isn't it great? Like right now, i feel better than i have in a long while, and i want you to hear the song that is playing right now. It's just really perfect. the forest for the tree thing, what i meant was i guess in reference to not being blinded by anything bad, cause it isn't going to stay. I guess it's all those nights like i don't care that it is almost three. I don't care i have to work. I know i feel great now, and i'm really happy and i'd rather be awake now while i'm happy, than hurry to get to bed for a day that i cannot predict. It's just all those sunny days. it's just all those days. I just want to type all night. and like i said a few posts back, i really could. i'd chew your ear off with my joy. i'd scramble my words, just trying to get them right. It might be cold out, i might be shaking. I might be hunched over these keys pounding every fleeting idea. i might have no idea. But as of right now, 3:03 AM on the day of monday may second, i feel good. And no, I'M lucky.