i'd rather leave than suffer this.

i ordered some cds today. i wrote a lot before this, but i erased all of it at the last moment. i feel compelled to share the un-shareable. i have to work the next three days. i am going to see phil collins on saturday. it's about 2 hours away from me. i need to quit my job. i don't need to get away, i don't think i do. no, i don't. i feel like right here is my home. and it is. and it is. and there is the bracelet from a concert i saw a long time ago. i was by myself. baby blue. the name sprawled across my wrist like a brand name. look at what i have made for myself. look who i am. i am here right now wearing the right name. right? at any rate, i have a lot of bracelets like this. they strap them on as you enter. they pinpoint a moment in time. whether you like it or not, you have the "A" on your chest and you existed at this one point in the stretch of all time and creation. You came, you saw, you can't deny you were there. And now your head is heavy. you realize all your mistakes. your miscalculations. i think you need to re-measure. you need to count out the dose. oh how i can turn the slightest thing into the most tragic moment of my life. I have this fucking amazing abitily to make everything around me horrible. i'm the poet who can't stand being a poet. and off time is where i lay. i'm done. my head is thinking too fast for me to write, i need to lay it down. i am going to try to be on the real world.

only YOU can prevent forest fires.

i'm getting ready. i'm getting ready to go out. i'm getting ready to black out. i'm off tomorrow, and this is how fucked up works. i exercised again tonight. but i can't wait to poison myself with cigarettes and booze. maybe i can take it a little easy. maybe. so i'm going to see phil collins on saturday, i cannot wait. This is like the culmination of every moment in my life spearheading to this one moment. i probably said the same shit when i saw conor, but i can see conor again. I will never see phil collins after this performance. this is it. from here on out, i'm one of the few. the ones who have seen phil collins in person. i want to be someone's phil collins. I want for people to be as excited to see me perform someday, somewhere. eh, or not. it's kind of a lost cause. after this record i think i'm gonna stop with all of it. I'm going to swan song with this one. But don't worry, the songs are some of the most honest, heartfelt i have ever written. so you can wrap yrself in them like a blanket everytime you are cold. or you can call me up, and i will come over and play them for you until you fall asleep. i just turned around to find my dog with his nose burried beneath the couch, trying to get something he just couldn't reach. I went over to help him out, and i remembered that the other night i was sweeping and i saw a piece of rawhide that had his name all over it. not litterally, it's just something he would really like. moving on, i pulled him away and reached my paw under to find it for him. It was covered with his hair, so i cleaned it off, gave him a kiss on the head, and offered it to him. he took it, with much appreciation, and is now calling it his own. He is laying below a television beaming a muted episode of king of the hill out. I'm sure he would rather be watching the animal channel, or lassie, or turner and hooch, but this is what he has to work with. he seems really content, and this is the life he has. he is happy just to hang out on the couch with me. he is so happy when i come home. he can't wait to get the last of whatever i am eating. he makes me happy. i just typed that only to find out it is true. i thought it would be some silly thing i said without a second thought, but i am really happy just to have him around. while i play vice city he lays beside me, while i watch dating shows, he looks on, almost saying "how can you watch this"? He has the rare ability to make me happy, and i take it for granted. well not anymore, he is one of the few. not anymore. he is one of the few.

we can land like the cats can.

I am listening to a braid show, actually the first braid show on their reunion show. I can't believe i didn't go to this. I saw them a long time ago, but this sounds so fun. And i've never seen MTB, so that would have been a blast as well. Oh well, the past is the past. On to bigger and better things, i'm going to see Phil Collins!!! This is his farewell tour, and i'm going to be there. I can't wait. I'm off wednesday so i'm going to try to get drunk somewhere tomorrow. shocking! i can't stop listening to the new converge, at first i had really high expectations, being the follow up to jane doe and all. At first i was kinda luke warm to it, but now i love it. The lyrics are so incredible. I highly recommend it to everyone. I just realized i am not in the mood to type anymore, so until next time.

peace the fuck out, or how we all learn to move on.

so yeah. i haven't updated lately, i've been to busy binge drinking and reading. I'm trying to read more, it's good for me, and i'm exercising a lot too. I exercise a lot more than i bet you know. A few nights a week i run 3 miles, do ab workouts, 100 crunches, and 50 pushups. Thats why i have such a fucking killer body. I couldn't even type that with a straight face. for real though, i work myself to death. it's usually while i watch Law and Order SVU. The last couple nights have been fun, i've been hangin with abi. friday we went to a party about politics and i got a bunch of free shit and free beer. We went to jacobs after that, and i remembered why i don't go there on fridays anymore. It was a bunch of goth kids and shit, it was horrible. I have no desire to go there anymore. The new converge is really good. I've listened to it like 5 times since last night. It was like my summer present. I have been waiting all summer for it, and i got it. great. thanks for letting me sleep on your couch abi. I appreciate it. i'm just waiting to go get some indian food. i'm shook up like a snowglobe. I had to type that or i would forget it. everyday i think of a bunch of really cool things, like song titles, little bits of info that i invariably forget. of i hadn't typed that right then i would have lost it forever. so this is it. i wrote a new song, well i wrote a new guitar part. i think i need to go somewhere else for a while. i need some inspiration. i have the worst writers block i have ever had in my life. i'm just going to have to get somewhere good for a little while. I'm going to stop now.

tours i think would be fun
tour one
-detachment kit
-dismemberment plan
-dillinger escape plan
-dillinger four

tour two
-minus the bear
-the minus tide
-minus 5
-minus
-minus driver


okay, that aside. Last night was fun. I had a lot of beers and some jaggermeister. I don't remember how much i had, but when i got home, i started throwing up and thought i was going to die. I remember looking in the mirror and thinking i was going to die at one point. I remember i looked like a corpse. I was all pale and my eyes were like two glowing red marbles. I can't fucking wait to do it all over again this weekend! I made a really good mix cd last night for abby. no knife, the killers, Lali Puna, A.C. Newman, Elliott Smith, air, minus the bear, belle and sebastian, and a whole lot more. I wore a really funny shirt tonight. I will take pictures of it and post them somewhere. I'm done. I'm tired now.

smeared black ink, or how the fuck was i supposed to know which fork to use?

why am i writing for the third time today? oh shit, it's tomorrow. i went to a fun show with fun people and had a fun time. i smoked too much and watched my friends dance. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------. whatevr. I spent too much $$$ tonight, but than i thought: i am only going to be around for a little bit of time and i should have fun while i can. I don't mean i'm moving or anything, because cincy is my home now. I'm sorry to st. louis friends, but i am never coming back. I just have my heart in a different city now. The last time i was there was really something, but i don't think i can call that city my home anymore. Regardless, i mean i am only going to be around for a little while in the sense i may die tomorrow. i really could, you don't know. I could go at any time. I could be shopping for a new shirt tomorrow afternoon and my heart could explode through my chest. What would i have to show for it? i had fun while i could, and felt like the things i was doing mattered. if only for a few brief seconds. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------. it was more than that. I know i am not forever, none of us are. and i feel i should do things that matter with the time that i have been allowed. i want things that don't make sense. have i typed that before? did i type that yesterday? that would be really embarrassing. what i'm really getting at is this: the things you want are not impossible. they are right there. just waiting for you to reach out and scream your fucking lungs out into the air. waiting for you to go out when the weather says you shouldn't, and finding what means the most to you at this one moment. this one moment in time. This album, this fucking album. this was the soundtrack to a trip i took back to the lou one time. I was so lost and so found. i thought i met someone who could save my life. i thought all the things that are good in the world could happen to me. instead i got really sick and wrote a lot of bad songs. That is beside the point. here is what i can tell matters as of right now. a)-----------------------------------------------------------------------. b) we are not as permanent as we would like to think. someday this vessel will cancel all of us and we will be sent spinning into the heavens.

fucking's greatest hits.

fine, fine. I have heard about it enough. I have been called "dirty" enough. I get it. tonight, i washed my hair. i had heard about for weeks now, and last night i heard about it from abby, so it was just time. i washed it and used conditioner! how exciting. I am getting close to finishing the bell jar. I have had it for long enough, but i just started reading it last weekend. I guess i have about 50 pages left. After that its onto blankets. I'm so psyched. It just sits, taunting me on my desk. I'm looking at it, but i can't get into it before i finish the book i am currently involved in. Aside from that, i have nothing to add. i also need to get ready to go check out will-o-ee's CD release party down at crush. I hope your weekend is filled with real, absolute joy.

i'm wide awake, it's morning.

it's early, well not really. It's like 9:30. I went and saw garden state for the second time last night. Immediately beforehand Abby and i were racing through beers at arlins before the movie started. I won with 3 beers in half an hour. I know i can do better than that. I'll just keep practicing in the meantime. The movie was just as good the second time, for real. I gotta go now, but have fun today.

take a look at me now

so the book is ordered!! third time was the charm apparently. I'm sure you can all sleep well knowing some jackass got his book ordered, but it was a real battle. Other than that it was a pretty ordinary day. I ate at grand buffet, went to the record store, tried to buy a fake mustache, watched family guy, made a playlist for i-tunes, and now i'm typing into this. to send to the world. for anyone to read. everyone can know all the going-ons of my day. i am reading the bell jar now, but i want to re-read a heartbreaking work of staggering genius. I keep seeing it in my daily life, like for some reason i am supposed to read it again. Maybe to get inspired to finish what i started with that book idea i had a while ago. Maybe not, maybe i'm just supposed to read it again because its fucking awesome. fucking awesome. with a vocabulary like mine how could any book i write not be a complete masterpiece? I wasn't very in-depth when i said i kept seeing that book all over. The other day i was in a used book store and i saw it for only a couple dollars, than i was shopping at target and it was there for some reason. It sits on my shelf right now, i just turned around to check it was there. whatever. it's a really good book is what i am getting at, and i need to read it again. This playlist is fucking awesome, i really should be a DJ, i think i would be good at it. I just don't have any equipment, or anyone who wants to hear it, or a place to play, or a way to get there. Short of that, i'm totally set. I am going to get some thai food some time this week, i have to. I have been wanting some so bad lately. I can't do it tomorrow, cause i am going to exercise, and i will have a full stomach. Maybe wednesday, or thursday. yeah, thursday would be perfect, payday! I'm done typing now, i've typed a lot, and i have to e-mail someone. I hope your labor day was fucking amazing. in every sense of the word.

this won't all fit on your machine.

I had a big day, wait, am i 8 years old? "i had a big day"? I had some animal crackers, ate some dirt and rode my big wheel? Ugh, whatever. I had a fun day. I woke up early and watched a best week ever special for the best 20 things about the summer. Then i got some indian food with Meredith. Abby called earlier in the day, and wanted to see if i wanted to hang out, so we ran all around town. Fun times were had by all. I got some new jeans, and we looked around at sachs. I then did some laundry and ate a burrito. I watched family guy, and now i'm here trying to order a book for the 3rd time in two days. Everytime i wait for the order confirmation i get this order cancellation due to the fact they have none in stock. I'm hoping this one finally goes through, i really really want this book. I really have no idea why i want it, well i take that back. I want it because from the little amount i know about it/have read it sounds just like me. This sounds like the kind of book i have been waiting to read, but living in the meantime. I am going to the recommendations of two people i consider to have more than above average tastes in all forms of media, so i feel i am in safe hands. (thanks, dave). I have only flipped through maybe 5 pages of it at borders, but the look of it just touches me. I don't know why i have this need to have it, but it's there, and i am throwing money around trying to get it. I really hope this time it goes through. If not, i just say fuck it, i'm just gonna buy the slighty banged up copy at borders. My little heart can't take the weight anymore. See what i did there? I emo-ed the fuck out of that whole sentiment with just one spelling change. wait=weight. heart/weight=emo. Well, i'm off to rent a movie and make the most of this day. This day has been so fucking fun come to think about it. I'm more glad than you know that we are hanging out more lately. Until next time.