i'm sorry for my optimism. it is sickening. I just feel bad for writing things like that. and then i have to go back and re-write/edit/burn the evidence. i guess i just don't know. i just feel like being really private now. i don't want to give any of my secrets away. cause after everything and all the world, or whatevr that bullshit was i was talking about, my secrets are the only thing i really own.
yeah yeh yehhey here we are. we are brave now. are we? are we? i want to be around the water. i'm just in one of those moods. i kept saying earlier: "today is the best day of my life, everyone but me is sad, everyone but me is miserable, i'm the happiest person on earth". If you asked me now why i was saying those things i would have no idea. but that is not what is important. what is real, and important is that for a couple hours today i was really happy as humans can get. as far as i can tell. i've been real happy before, but today was just something. the sun and the songs i was hearing and the possiblity of joining a band i really admire and just having money to throw around and having fun with and having technology to keep me together and my favorite dog in the house. i don't mean "dog" as in "hey dog, i'm a track and field star". i mean dog as in my favorite canine. my buddy in black. as awful as i ever can find out how to feel he hangs out with me. and now i am just trying to stay that way. it can't happen, but i want to think it can. the song that is playing right now will make me cry someday. a whole lot of days from now. it is going to happen. i will be curled up. somewhere. this song will be playing. i will be watered and full up. it is only a matter of time. i wouldn't tell you the title if you asked me. it is mine. i mean, eventually all you can do is sleep. (stolen)
yikes! a late night of partying. a lot of fun. getting wild with my friends. slumber party. a 12 of miller lite. still feeling every bit of it, and if you have read before you know i love it. i'm listening to the new pinback, just waiting to get some indian food. it should be fucking amazing. the hair of the dog that bit me. have you heard that? thats how i do. i have 18 dollars for the week. i don't mind so much, it feels better that way. i need to save money instead of just burning through it like it's a hobby. this week is going to be fun. NEW: jimmy eat world. elliot smith. arrested development season one dvd. lots of $$$. i don't mind cause i just could die. but i know i put my money in all the right things. you and me while the cell phone rings. we've both been waiting, just patiently asking, when will this moment be passing? i've had enough. i've been tough...too long. i'm through the way. the whole way. i may use it. or you. the new bright eyes singles are so good. they are in HEAVY rotation. but this pinback is SO good. CAPS. feeling your legs is over rated. i was told more than once last night that i have the best hair in cincinnati. that's real funny due to the fact i don't wash it. you can send your compliments to abby, she does my hair. she does a great fucking job too. i am such a self centered asshole. hahahaHAHAhaha. i could laugh my fucking head off. i could swallow all of it. i could still be waiting in so many years. i could. i could.
i can finally afford to be inattentive. i've been dealing with my computer over the last two nights, due to a purchase i just made. we are finally on the same page. we're cooking with gas now. and now it is fun. all the swearing. the near crying frustration. Literally having to get up and leave the PC while i was trying to get it working all is worth it now. The fruits of my labor are finally within my grasp. and it tastes sweet. Figuratively speaking, of course. I am working tomorrow, but i am off Wednesday so i hope i can up it tomorrow. i pose a question that i hope does not give away my status as an amatuer alcoholic, but here it is. i guess it's not really a question, but more a thing i think is fun as a result of drinking. i really dig the next day if you are still a little drunk and you are doing stuff and interacting with other humans, but you think everything is funny and you're just having the time. like going to lunch and seeing a dog and winking at it and then you start laughing and if you are with someone they are like "what are you laughing at"? what do you say? "you know, like i uhh, winked at the dog and then uhh....". At any rate, i just like that feeling where you are a little slap happy and just having fun doing whatever you are doing. I hope that doesn't sound bad. fuck it, i don't care if it does. anyone who reads this knows me anyway. who am i protecting my image from? My cds i ordered ship out tomorrow. one guess what they are. they are a pre-order. actually, i haven't talked very much about them at all. it's a little predictable at this point, but i still really like it. i think i am pretty impulsive when i get down to it. i think i can really throw caution to the wind. i do not cut a rug anymore. not in public. if you want to see me dance come hang around outside my window until i start getting wild. you can get an eyeful then. if you want me to dance in public at this point you are not going to like what you get. i like it, but it is getting mixed reviews. so don't ask i guess. we'll both be unhappy. i need to get some sleep now, and so do you. so hit the bricks, or hit the hay, just get up and out and on the way to slumber. or just lay down. or just close your eyes. or just keep sleeping.
sorry about the lack of updates lately. Not much has really been going on. I have just been working and partying. I'm getting no where closer to having the new album recorded. I just keep writing new songs, and forgetting about the old ones. There are a few i like, but eh. This really is going to be the last one i think. I guess maybe i'm just sick of trying to write my songs to sound a certain way, only to find out they sound like bad covers anyway. I don't want to do the poppy stuff anymore, but i just can't find a medium. I have a lot of songs though. The last record i did was in 2001, so i have about 6 tapes worth of stuff at this point. Half the time when i play the tapes i can't even remember how to play them anymore, than i spend twenty minutes trying to figure out some song i wrote when i was drunk that in reality is not all that interesting to begin with. a vicious cycle. I cannot wait for my CDs i ordered to get here, they ship this tuesday. I will camp at the mailbox until it comes. I need to get better at drinking liquor i think, i am not very accustomed to the effects of a whole night of drinking liquor. I guess it is a matter of dosage, like taking it slower than i do with beer. oh well. I might type more later, i just can't think of anything more to talk about. Maybe something fun will pop into my head later. until than.
yeah, sorry i haven't updated at all lately. I'm so lazy, but now here it is. I can't really remember when i updated last, did i talk about how fucking sweet phil collins was? If not, it was. He opened with one of my favorite songs, "something happened on the way to heaven". From there it was just untouchable, every song, so good. yeah. I tried to be an extra in a movie last night, but got tired early and left. I got to see edward furlong walking around which was, i don't know, weird. not weird, just sureal. i see famous people and it just strikes me that they are real, walking around, eating, breathing, driving, fucking, you know. the whole deal. his head is shaved now. edward, i mean. my car is overheating. my car is not working with me. neither is my computer. they are both against me. the new interpol, although i have had it for about 2 months, is so great. i bought a copy tonight, and i really like it. this might be one of the best records i have heard this year. my high school reunion was today. is there anything more depressing than that? i can't tell. i can't imagine it. i hope i live to see the 10 year, i will go to that one. i wish i had gone to this one, and i don't know why. I have not done one thing worth talking about in the 5 years i have had. i am still waiting. for what. i don't know. i just didn't want to go and hear about success while i fucking waste away writing songs and binge drinking. although there is a poetic allure to it, it loses some charm when you describe your actions to someone who is actually doing something with their life. "oh yeah, i'm drinking a lot more, working on the same record i have been working on since 2001, spending all my money on albums and dvds, worrying more about my hair than my health, you know". i have concluded the following, having something to be excited about is the best you can hope for. Let me re-phrase that. the best i have to hope for is having something to look forward to. and that is where i am. i am excited about waking up tomorrow (hopefully), finishing what i started tonight, and then getting some indian food. that is what i have. in other news, and this is the last of my rant, is this. i am part of 20%. if i was still in high school i would be. i don't know what the percentage is anymore. i'm 23, so i have no idea what the percentage is. maybe i am part of 10% now. it can't be more than 10%. So i am separate of 90% of everyone around me. how does it feel? it feels like warm. like death. like i'm just really scared.